Ivegottodosomething

It's been a month and two days since Meredith left me. I won't go into details as to what went down, but I'm convinced that she stopped loving me because I couldn't provide her with the happiness she could get from another. As someone who doesn't normally talk to others or enjoy being with others, I feel that I've lost a great deal of myself. For several years, I've poured my emotions, my thoughts, my life onto this girl who I couldn't help but feel happy with. I trusted her with everything and I wanted only for her to feel the happiness I had felt from her. Unfortunately, she chose someone else. 
It started before she even left me because she had announced a couple months before that she had thought about leaving me, but I had convinced her to stay due to my selfishness. Maybe I wasn't being selfish, and maybe I just didn't want to believe that the love of my life didn't love me anymore. There were so many promises we made, but now I can see they were all empty. 
I'm feeling depressed again, but this time, it seems more constant than it was. I've always suffered from depression since I was a teenager, but after meeting Meredith, I was smiling more than sulking. She was really one of the only reasons I could ever be happy, but now she's gone and we barely talk. She was my first girlfriend, and so I don't really know how to deal with my first break up. I feel like everything is just going downhill with my life ever since my high school graduation. I don't know what to do. I've always based my actions on what I've seen on television, but I can't bring myself to hate her like everyone is "supposed to." I still love Meredith very much, but it kills me on the inside every time I think about how happy she is with someone else. I'm glad she is happy, but I just wish it was with me.

This is probably something I rarely ever talk about, but something that occurs quite often. My depression spikes up at times and I've really no control over it. From the usual sarcastic, care free, and friendly kinda guy I am according to my friends, my depression puts me in a serious, dark mood that I can't explain other than it makes me feel down. That's why it is called depression anyway, we're just going down into the blues, and I'm never really sure why. I've had depression for quite a long time, but there are times where I wonder why I have it in the first place. For example, right now, I don't know why I feel depressed because I don't really have a reason to. It might be because I'm sick that my brain's acting this way, or it might be the recent events that have disappointed me which still wouldn't be a liable reason because I'm the kinda guy who forgives and forgets maybe too easily. I might just be depressed because I feel sorry for everything I've every done, for existing more specifically, but I'm over that phase of trying to kill myself, so I can't really blame that either. I don't know why I'm depressed. I mean, I've gotten some very good news about doing community service to finally achieve 100 hours to graduate with my program scholarship, and I've also heard that my significant other might be visiting for a week during the summer break. There's not too much that actually bothers me, so why am I depressed all so suddenly? I will never know until I actually consult with a professional, but really, the only professional knows me well enough to solve my problems seems to be me. I'm just tired of being tired.

Well, this has been looming over me for a while, but I've never really seen the point in the way some classes test and quiz their students. The way that the American educational system seems to be corrupt in a sense that most of it is really just repetitive memorization and then pooping it out on paper or in some form of presentation. It doesn't seem right to me in the sense that most students, including I, forget many of the information given to us before a test is handed out. Now, I'm taking German as my foreign language, and the way it works there seems acceptable because for tests and such, we are allowed our notes, and to me that seems the most effective way. Sure, it may seem faulty in which that doesn't really teach us much, but it does teach us how to use the tools that are available. I've seen many things throughout the bare 17 years I've been alive, and I know for a fact that in the majority of situations, you are provided tools you can use in order to reach some sort of goal. It just doesn't make sense to me. Of course there's gonna be a time in which I'm going to forget the angular speed of an object, or what happened during the post civil war era of the United States, but that's because details like that won't be necessary in life unless that truly is part of your interest. Besides that, it also bothers me that we are ranked by our grades, by our performances, which also doesn't make sense because everyone is different. We are all made different. In academics, our brains function differently and at different speeds of learning, and in physical activities such as golf (the sport I'm in), our bodies function differently too. Instead of being graded by being compared to the apparent perfect person, would it not make more sense to be graded at our own pace? Then again, that would cause some trouble because we don't really have much of a way to measure our true potential and grade our performances off of that. Well, I hope sometime in the future the educational system improves itself. Funny I complain about school, yet I don't really mind it too much. I do have the A's and B's after all.